A Theoretical Principal Deduced From Particular Facts


I should have paid attention in Physics class. Or at least taken a basic course at the local community college to brush up on laws of physics, just so I can understand Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Kim K Ass

Look at that fucking thing (in the Paper Magazine Winter Issue cover)! How is that even real? How has that not collapsed upon itself creating a super-natural void that not even light can escape. Swallowing every celestial object that comes within it’s perimeter. It commands at least an orbit. A field of debris circling roundabout. Accumulating, coalescing into the shape of an athlete or rapper.

That ass right there is otherworldly. I don’t mean that it’s out-of-this-world-outstanding. I mean there’s a planet somewhere out there, with three or four of these creatures keeping the atmosphere intact.

Forget 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, we should have spent 30 years attempting to land a research spacecraft on this mass of matter.

Don’t ever leave us, Kim. Stay on this undeserving planet. Because I’m pretty sure, if you go back to yours, your departure would cause our Moon would spin out of orbit and global warming would be a welcomed alternative to the hell we’d experience.

A Love Hate Relationship


Ever see an old person trying to catch a bus? It’s as uncomfortable to watch as it is fascinating. I’m talking about a very old person, seventy-five and up, hauntingly tottering down the side walk as they deliberate catching that 9:15 bus and the natural state of their decaying body at the same time. It’s as far away from an actual jog as you can possibly get. You can see the osteoporosis salivating at every fragile hobble.

This is what performing standup comedy is like. It’s an eternal struggle between loving stage time and hating everything that it involves.

Continue reading

Christmas Eve with Miley Cyrus


This past Christmas Eve was the first that I didn’t spend with my family. I wish I could tell you there was a good reason. That something pressing came up. I wish I could tell my family that. But the simple fact of the matter is that holiday travel is outrageously expensive. The obvious high jacking of prices by airlines, during the most traveled time of the year, is pure terrorism on the senses and bank account. So I just couldn’t afford it. Far and away from the hearth and home in Baltimore, Maryland, I was to spend my 2013 Christmas Eve in Hollywood. Continue reading

And with the 4th pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select…


Nobody. They trade down. Strange, considering the Cleveland Browns’ recent history in the NFL Draft. Don’t lie, you, and everyone else, expected them to trade away both their first round picks (4th and 26th) this year, plus next year’s, for the #1 spot and select A.J. McCarron. That just seems like something they’d do, right? AJ! He won games! Continue reading

Website is back (like the eponymous PPK track)



Doo Doo Doo.



DooDooDooDoo. DooDooDooDoo.

Doo Doo.

Did you miss me? Great, glad we agree! I’ve also missed you. The website is back! I’m excited to bring some fresh material, perspective, keep you up to date on all of my happenings and gigs going forward. Please keep patient as I revamp and add content. While you wait: